You don’t want to be a loser, so, listen, okay, this is going to be huge. HUGE. Earlier I turned on the television and there was a new poll – did you see the new poll? Ronda Rousey is down, but Saint West is soaring. Pizza rat, Jon Stewart, Don Draper – done, finished, total disasters, nobody cares. And me? Did Hillary hire me? Will you hire me? I mean, Hello, it’s me . . . I’m winning, and all I want to do is MAKE 2016 GREAT AGAIN.
Look, in 2015, there were no gaffes, only honesty, the truth. Which, you know – and I’ve been saying this all my life – has nothing to do with facts. We’re white and yellow AND blue and black. Don’t believe me? Just watch, I have hundreds of people that agree with me. The bomb was a clock and the balls were deflated, gay people are marrying without being stopped by a clerk from Kentucky, and police officers are shooting people on camera. We’re all hashtagging against terrorism then hashtagging for National Donut Day, while checking the Bei Bei-cam and the Paul Ryan beard-cam so we can Finstagram it. See? People of this country are sick and tired of this incompetent crap.
So I built a list. A great list, a beautiful list – and nobody builds lists better than me, believe me. The best people told me what is coming, the smartest people, extremely credible sources. Follow The List, and you will be a total winner, a really nice guy. Don’t like it? Well, you’re fired.
OUT – IN
Endorsements – Retweets
Waiting for a Frank Ocean album -Waiting for a Zayn Malik album
Vetements – Demna Gvasalia
Vine stars –Twitch streamers
Piecaken – Cherpumple
Nudity – Personality
Pluto – Quaoar
Thoughts and prayers – Background checks
Boomtowns – Boomertowns
Dinosaurs– Fantastic Beasts
Transgender moment – Genderqueer moment
Amy Schumer – Issa Rae
Downton Abbey – Mercy Street
Swiping – Sighing
Intelligence – Artificial Intelligence
Athleisure – Dressing up
Late-night Merlot with the Speaker –Early-morning workouts with the Speaker
Anniversaries – Birthdays
Mars water – Fat water
Meal kits – Meat lockers
Lunchables – Injectables
Yeezy Boost –RiRi Creeper
Ride sharing – Sharing your ride sharing
Ghosting – Casper
Wine Country – Pot Country
Momofuku – Momotombo
Bar carts – Dressing tables
Instant gratification – Perpetual discontent
Abandoning Afghanistan – Commercializing Cuba
Raúl Castro – Julian Castro
Sparking joy – Sparking controversy
YikYak – After School
Your brand – Your scent
Cider – Mead
McConaissance –Winonaissance
Selfie sticks – Phone umbrellas
Giving it away for free – Charging for it
Neil deGrasse Tyson – Bill Nye
Ladyship – Womanhood
Trash to table – Farm to Face
Kacey Musgraves –Maren Morris
Lebron hair – Iman hair
Squad goals – Squid goals
Walls – Ceilings
“Are you on Venmo” – “Are you on Slack”
Unicorns – Magic Leap
Supergirl – Jessica Jones
Raven-Symoné – Simone Biles
White – Simply White
Iowa – Florida
Popups – “Experience retail”
PARO – Pepper
Indoor trees – Indoor moss
Data – Metadata
Open letters – Open salaries
No tip restaurants – Medium plates
Pulp – Pulses
Kobe retirement tour – Biden retirement tour
The Uber/Tinder/Netflix for [a thing] – [The thing]
Diverse – Normal
– – –
The Washington Post’s Veronica Toney, Ben Terris, Bethonie Butler, Caitlin Moore, Chris Richards, Dan Zak, David Malitz, Emily Heil, Emily Yahr, Hank Stuever, Joe Yonan, Joel Achenbach, Julia Carpenter, Jura Koncius, Lavanya Ramanathan, Matt Bonesteel, Maura Judkis, Monica Hesse, Paul Kane, Robin Givhan, Sarah Larimer, Scott Allen, Soraya Nadia McDonald, Stephanie Merry, Tim Bontemps and Tom Sietsema contributed to this report.