Caring for a person living with dementia asks us to shift how we think about connection, communication, and control. One of the most important concepts we can embrace is this: meeting them where they are.
This idea is simple in words, yet deeply meaningful in practice. It invites us to step into the person’s reality rather than trying to pull them back into ours.
As dementia progresses, the brain changes in ways that affect memory, reasoning, language, and perception. Because of this, the person’s experience of the world may not match what we know to be current or accurate.
They may believe they need to go to work, ask for a parent who has passed, or become distressed by something we cannot see. These moments are not intentional. They are real and meaningful to the person living with dementia.
We are often tempted to correct them and return them to our reality. That’s a normal reaction that often leads to negative results. A better response is to meet them where they are.
We step into their reality and respond to the feeling behind the words, rather than correcting the facts.
For example, if a person says, “I need to go pick up my children from school,” it may be natural to respond with, “Your children are grown.” While factually true, this can create confusion, frustration, or even grief.
Instead, we might say, “You’re thinking about your children. You’ve always cared so much about them. School is not out yet, we will go later, let’s go get a snack and relax.” This response validates their current reality and emotion and keeps the connection intact.
At its heart, this approach is about preserving dignity and reducing distress. Helping our loved ones feel valued and loved is far more important than correcting them with facts.
Here are a few ways care partners can begin to practice meeting someone where they are:
1. Focus on emotion over accuracy
The emotional experience is often more important than the factual content. Ask yourself, “What are they feeling right now?” Responding to fear, sadness, or longing helps the person feel understood and safe.
2. Join; do not correct
Correcting or arguing can unintentionally escalate a situation and cause the person with dementia to defend their position. Instead, we can enter their reality with curiosity and compassion. This does not mean agreeing with everything. It means prioritizing connection over being right.
This approach can feel unfamiliar and uncomfortable at first, especially for caregivers who value honesty and clarity. It is important to acknowledge that this shift is not about deception. It is about compassion. You are responding to the person’s lived experience in that moment, with the goal of reducing distress and preserving trust.
3. Use gentle redirection when needed
After validating the feeling, we can guide the person toward something calming or meaningful. For example, “Let’s sit together for a moment,” or “Can you help me with this?” Redirection works best when it feels natural and respectful, particularly when it involves an activity that a person enjoys.
4. Pay attention to nonverbal communication
Tone of voice, facial expression, and body language often communicate more than words. A calm presence, soft eye contact, and a reassuring touch, when appropriate, can help reduce anxiety.
5. Adapt to their current abilities
Meeting someone where they are also means adjusting expectations. Tasks that were once simple may now feel overwhelming. Breaking activities into smaller steps or offering choices can support success and maintain independence.
It is also important to recognize that this work is emotionally demanding. You may feel sadness, frustration, or even a sense of loss when communication changes. These feelings are natural and normal.
You are navigating a complex and evolving relationship, and it takes strength to adapt in these ways. You are showing love and respect in a different way.
When we meet a person living with dementia where they are, we create moments of connection that might otherwise be lost. We reduce fear. We build trust. Most importantly, we honor the person’s humanity, even as the disease changes how they experience the world.
You are not expected to do this perfectly. Like all caregiving skills, it develops over time with practice and reflection. What matters most is your intention to connect with empathy and respect.
A few years ago, a friend expressed his frustration because his father, with Alzheimer’s, was living in his own alternate world that often consisted of fishing and hunting. I recommended that he meet his father where he was.
The next day, he shared with great excitement how things had turned for the better. “Dad was imagining that he was fishing, and I said, ‘Look over here, Dad. There’s a big one!’ His father immediately whipped around and made a cast with his imaginary rod and reel. With a huge smile, he yelled, ‘I’ve got him, son. I’ve got him!”
Two years later, after his father passed away, the friend thanked me for the tip. “I wouldn’t trade those last two years for anything because living in Dad’s reality brought him joy at a time he really needed it. It brought us closer together.
Together, these small, compassionate choices can make a meaningful difference in daily life for both you and the person you are supporting.
About the James L. West Center for Dementia Care
For 33 years, the James L. West Center for Dementia Care, a not-for-profit organization, has served those impacted by dementia. Established by Eunice West in honor of her late husband, James L. West, who passed away from dementia, the Center continues to build on its excellence in compassionate care and caregiver and dementia education by expanding its service lines to meet the community’s needs. The Center offers residential care, a Senior Day Program, Short-Term Respite Care, Short-Term Rehabilitation, Home Care, and professional and family caregiver education, which was recently rebranded as Dementia-IQ Powered by James L. West. Jaime Cobb-Tinsley, Vice President of Community & Professional Education at the West Center for the past 14 years, has led the Center’s recognition as a national leader in dementia and Alzheimer’s education.
