2009 – “In the next 100 days, our bipartisan outreach will be so successful that John Boehner will consider becoming a Democrat. After all, we have a lot in common. He is a person of color. Although not a color that appears in the natural world. What’s up, John?”
2009 – “I believe my next 100 days will be so successful I will be able to complete them in 72 days. And on the 73rd, I will rest.”
2010 – “I wasn’t sure I should actually come tonight. Biden talked me into it. He leaned over and said: ‘Mr. President, this is no ordinary dinner. This is a big (bleep) meal.'”
2010 – “The Jonas Brothers are here. … Sasha and Malia are huge fans. But, boys, don’t get any ideas. I have two words for you: predator drones. You will never see it coming. You think I’m joking?”
2011 – “No one is prouder to put this birth-certificate matter to rest than The Donald. And that’s because he can finally get back to focusing on the issues that matter – like, did we fake the moon landing? What really happened in Roswell? And where are Biggie and Tupac?”
2011 – “I even let down my key core constituency: movie stars. Just the other day, Matt Damon – I love Matt Damon, love the guy – Matt Damon said he was disappointed in my performance. Well, Matt, I just saw ‘The Adjustment Bureau,’ so right back at you, buddy.”
2012 – “Much has changed during my time in office. Four years ago, I was locked in a brutal primary battle with Hillary Clinton. Four years later, she won’t stop drunk-texting me from Cartagena.”
2013 – “I know Republicans are still sorting out what happened in 2012, but one thing they all agree on is they need to do a better job reaching out to minorities. And, look, call me self-centered, but I can think of one minority they could start with. Hello? Think of me as a trial run, you know? See how it goes.”
2014 – “I’m feeling sorry, believe it or not, for the speaker of the House as well. These days, the House Republicans actually give John Boehner a harder time than they give me, which means … orange really is the new black!”
2015 – “After the midterm elections, my advisers asked me, ‘Mr. President, do you have a bucket list?’ And I said, ‘I have something that rhymes with bucket.’ Take executive action on immgration? Bucket.”