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Saturday, April 10, 2021

The 15 most glorious Craigslist posts of 2015

No matter how high-tech the world becomes, it seems there is always a place for good ol’ Craigslist. Do you need a couch, a boyfriend or a life-size nail-clipper costume? Look no further than the classified advertisements website, which turned 20 years old this year.

According to its website, more than 60 million people in the United States use Craigslist each month. So among your average “brown wooden bookshelf” or “2001 Subaru Forester,” there’s bound to be an abundance of weird. Throughout the year, users nominate advertisements for a collection called the “best of” Craigslist. Here are the 15 bests of the “best of” this year.

15. Free toilet bowl box: For your kids on Christmas morning, obviously. “Imagine the excitement building with such a huge gift waiting under the tree,” the post read, “only to see it dashed when they rip off the paper and a photo of a potty is on the front.”

14. Speaking of toilets: Did you ever want to feel so rich, you could sit on money? Now you can, with a clear toilet seat filled with coins and dollars. The seller offered no recommended price or any description beyond “Clear resin toilet seat with money inside.” It appears this was not a DIY project; you can buy a similar toilet seat at Sears.com for $249.99.

13. Breakup python: “I am going through a difficult breakup and impulsively adopted 16 different types of reptiles over Craiglist,” the seller wrote. “I have made a huge mistake. My roommates are furious. I have 1 ball python, 7 various geckos, a bearded dragon, and 2 red slider turtles. They are all named ‘Amanda.'” This post was titled “11 reptiles,” so, apparently, the seller will be keeping five of the reptiles.

12. 200,000 phonograph records: Have a spare $60,000 lying around? And a place to store 200,000 records? “For more information please call The Wolf Man,” this Craigslist post says. For the record, kids, a phonograph is a fancy word for a record player.

11. Artisan hand-crumpled paper: People have too much time on their hands. In a lengthy post about the artist’s techniques for crumpling paper, we learn that this ad is for trash bags of paper used when someone was moving. They were opting out of “the capitalist industrial foam-peanut hegemony,” you see.

10. “Procrastination station”: “Ooh, now that sounds like my life,” you say as you click on the ad. It opens. Oh. It’s just a desk. But wait! “The Bottomless Drawer is guaranteed to lose bills you can’t afford, homework you don’t understand, and divorce papers you aren’t ready to sign.”

9. Super Mario Brothers professional help: “Help plz,” this post says. “I can’t beat the Vanilla Dome in Super Mario World for SNES. I’ve tried 476 times.”

8. Crime witness in love: A woman named Tiffany was standing at a bus stop when a man snatched an old woman’s purse nearby. Another man looked up, threw his bag and coffee to Tiffany and chased after the thief. “And I won’t lie to you, I liked it a lot and it was incredibly hot,” Tiffany wrote. She was hoping the chivalrous crime-chaser would roundhouse-kick the thief – “would have kicked his head off completely. Trust me. I am from Cleveland and that’s how it works. As the moment of impact neared, I was hoping you would try to kick his head toward me. And then use that as an opening to ask for my number …”

It didn’t work out quite like that, as the thief turned on the man, beat him up and ran away. But still, Tiffany would like this guy’s number. “Let’s get some sushi and talk about society together,” she wrote in the personal ad. What a lovely story to tell their kids someday.

7. Just a Batmobile: The seller writes lovingly about his blue race car look-alike, which he clearly put a lot of time into. It even has a flame-thrower. But there’s no mention of why he’s giving it away now. There’s got to be a story there.

6. Living Elf on the Shelf: “For $100/hour I will come to your holiday party dressed as the Elf on the Shelf and sit in any location you assign me while I stare emptily at your guests for the duration of the event.”

5. About that nail-clipper costume: We have so many questions about why this was a thing, none of which are answered in this Craigslist ad. The seller does brag about the quality materials built into this costume, which “won’t win the costume contest.” Also, warns this seller, “Women won’t flock to you.”

4. Space in fort, bring pizza: “MY GIRLFRIEND SAID SHE WANTED TO HAVE A CONVERSATION ABOUT ME BEING TOO CHILDISH, BUT SHE DIDN’T KNOW THE PASSWORD TO GET IN.”

3. Naked dumpster diver: There’s just not an SFW way to explain this one, so we’ll let you just read it for yourself: http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ksc/4803254342.html

2. Skeleton snowblower: In an advertisement for a Johnson snowblower, all seems totally normal. “Its the perfect snowmobile for this Winter in Minnesota, and you can ride it all year,” the seller writes. He or she says nothing about this snowblower’s one little quirk: There is a VISIBLE SKELETON LYING BENEATH THE SEAT.

1. T-Rex bike: Skeleton snowblower was not the only bones-related vehicle on Craigslist this year. “This wonderful rideable dinosaur, this fulfilment of my childhood dreams, needs to go to someone who likes being the center of attention, likes making the news whenever they’re out in public, and likes inspiring joy and wonder in the faces of children.”

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